Dear friends with children, high five! Man it’s a crazy trip, being a parent. It’s awesome and stressful and rewarding and makes you feel deeply about stuff you’ve never thought about before. For those of you without kids, high five! Enjoy the sweetness that tastes like freedom and sanity.
Here are some things I think about when I talk about #mumlyfe…
Expect to get less sleep. Expect to be strung out about sleep, talk about sleep, and to think about sleep in your sleep. And not just about your own sleep either, be prepared to be focussing on somebody’s at any given time. This is totally normal. I’m pretty sure our brains start to decompose after waking up six times a night and only sleeping an hour in between for three months. Beyond that period you are so far behind that every single thing you do for the next year or so will be done at least 10% shitter than ever before. This is not in any way new advice, I know, but nothing can really prepare you for going through these times so I threw it in there anyway.
Don’t underestimate your kid’s brainpower. This sounds like pfft of course, who does that, right? No, seriously, your kid is fucking toying with you. They are running rings around your psyche the minute they learn that crying equals attention, which happens at about three point seven seconds after birth. So in my opinion we need to view them as mental equals. Mental equals who require you to do everything for them, granted, but don’t let that fool you. It’s part of their master plan.
Don’t panic and forgive yourself. Look, being a parent is basically one big fat lesson in how to deal with utter demoralisation. There is a child who has only just entered this world taking you down on the daily, and you’ve been here for ages. Get used to it, get better at it, or lower your expectations. It’s why I drink.
Stick to your guns. If you start letting go at ANY time during the first couple of years you are going to find it pretty tough to regain your footing in the eternal fight for the balance of power. My trick is to view myself as a benevolent dictator. There are negotiable and non-negotiable elements to life as a child… And we are here to discuss them with you, my little friend. But we will not be broken, no matter how cute you look today.
Savour it all. It’s true what everyone says… The kids, they grow up crazy quick. That baby you so enjoy watching struggle to roll over? Well on the way to saying ‘no, no, no, no, NO’ to you for the first time while throwing themselves violently backward into whatever is behind them, probably a brick wall or someone else’s smaller child. They will soon be more independent, need you less, want you to stop embarrassing them. The hard stuff makes us better people, and we will forget all that shit anyway in the hazy memory of our glorious competency.
The days can be long but the years fly by.*
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*I stole this
stack of tigers 